Confession
by justaweirdfangirl
Summary: "If I hadn't been so weak I wouldn't have shown any of that behavior. I wouldn't have gotten you worried for nothing. You probably won't be thinking of me right now.." Harry took a shaky breath. "But that's my punishment, right? I guess that's why the world decided to come into my room. The world just wants to torture me." Sirius' godson laughs and the ex-convict is horrified. R/R
1. chapter 1

**Confession**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. Big WOOP.**

Ron and Hermione were sitting in the common room alone on a warm Saturday, in front of the fire and chatting. Harry had told them to leave him alone, that he wasn't feeling well, and Hermione tried to keep protesting until Ron pulled her away from the boys' dorm.

The fire was warm and made them feel fuzzy inside, even though their mood wasn't the best. Well, Hermione's, anyways.

"I'm just so of worried about him!" Hermione ranted. "He needs to tell someone about Umbridge and his constant nightmares an-"

Ron shushed her. "It's okay! I'm sure he just wants some time alone! He'll be fine!"

Hermione smiled softly. "You really think so?"

"Pretty sure."

Ron and Hermione proceeded to talk about all the fun times they've had together, such as when Hermione set fire on Snape's robes. That was by far his favorite memory; he even used that memory for a Patronus! It was simply awesome!

* * *

Harry sighed. He's been trying to sleep for almost thirty minutes now, and he still hadn't fallen asleep. He kept on seeing strange dark shadows torturing him, calling him names, insulting him.

 _"Freak."_

 _"Waste of space."_

 _"Disgrace."_

 _"I wish you died instead of your parents."_

 _"Kill yourself."_

He's always had a crush on Ron. That was so wrong. Boys aren't suppose to love boys. Only freaks do. God, he hasn't cut in hours. He needed to cut.

He walked over to the bathroom and locks the door, putting down his glamours. He sighed and looked over his body. Bruises that were raiding, belt marks that were scaring...

Cuts that were beginning to fade. His arms were the main part of the show. Sometimes he'd cut on his thighs just to see what it was like. He grabbed a razor and started cutting. He did five long cuts on one arm. He sighed in relief when he did that. It just numbed his mind. Made him feel human. Seeing the blood made him think that everything was real. He did three deep cuts on his other arm. Those were for scolding himself for liking a boy in the first place. Ron already liked Hermione, anyways.

He sighed and put up his glamours again, while staring at the mirror. He couldn't decide wether he wanted to come and see Ron and Hermione, or just fall asleep.

On one hand, it felt nice it be comforted by his best friends and Sirius. On the other, he just couldn't bring himself to let them care about him. Why did he matter? How could he matter? He was just a waste of space and air. So he decided on trying to make his friends happy, instead of himself. He thought that if his friends and family were happy, then he would have no excuse whatsoever to be unhappy.

 _Less like your father than I thought... Because dad would make himself happy than others, huh? Is that what it is? Am I just a replacement of dad for you?_

He sighed and rubbed his face tiredly. He decided that he would go and see what Ron and Hermione were up to.

He walked to the Gryffindor common room and saw Ron and Hermione... Almost kissing!

I knew it! He thought happily. Then his thought faded. Ron... Oh god... His mood dropped instantly, and his mind kept on telling him that he doesn't deserve to live, that he should just kill himself.

* * *

Ron and Hermione were a few inches close to kissing. Well, it was really Hermione he decided to lean in, and Ron just went along with what she was doing, because he felt to embarrased. He heard someone clear his throat.

"Um, hey guys." Harry awkwardly said, laughing.

Hermione leaned back, blushing with embarrasment. "Uh... H-hey.."

Ron was blinking stupidly and his face was in a nice weasley shade of red. "J-just now... We weren't..!"

Harry smiled and shook his head. "Right..."

Hermione stood up and walked off, too embarrased to continue. "Uh... Sorry guys! I have some homework I have to do!" And she ran off.

Ron laughed nervously. "She always has homework."

"Yeah."

Harry sat down on an armchair beside Ron and sighed.

"Mate, I thought you wanted us to leave you alone?" Ron asked, slightly confused.

Harry chuckled. "Yeah, well, I tried to stay in the dorm room, but my imagination was being really mean to me—" what did that mean? Ron mused "—so I decided that I wanted to see it for myself."

Ron blinked. "See what?" He said.

Harry smiled. "How much fun you were having with Hermione. How close you guys are getting... It makes me so happy to see you be happy with Hermione."

Harry's insides felt like they were crumbling, falling apart. "That's all I am. I'm so happy for you guys!"

Ron looked at him, puzzled. What was he going on about?

Harry's smile changed into a slight frown. "What's going on? Why am I feeling this way? I'm supposed to be feeling happy for you! Why does it feel like my heart is splitting in half?" He hugged his knees and tried to stifle a sob. His heart felt like it shattered into a million pieces, and his cuts stung. His eyes were watering but he tried not to show weakness, which failed. "It hurts so much... Everything hurts so much... It would be so much better if I could just disappear!"

Ron widened his eyes. Was his best friend suggesting he commit suicide?! "Harry, don't say that!"

"It's true!" Harry insisted, his voice breaking. "It would be so much better, so that you and everyone else won't have to waste your time and sympathy on me! You wouldn't have to put up with me being selfish! Malfoy was right... I should just..." He stopped. Malfoy was the one who suggested he kill himself. Of course, Malfoy is always saying things like that.

"Malfoy? Malfoy was right about what?" Ron asked, his teeth gritting. If Malfoy was the one who suggested Harry should disappear... Ooh... He would never see the end of it.

Harry just sighed, shaking his head.

"Harry, us caring about you isn't the burden your mind is trying to make it out to be," Ron stated. "It's something that makes us happy. It's something that we wouldn't trade for anything else. Not even if it was for the latest and most expensive model of brooms—" Harry let himself laugh at that statement "—So even if we do risk our lives, we're going to be by your side until you don't feel anymore pain."

Harry blinked, surprised for a second. Wow, that was... That was deep coming from Ron. "But I'm scared... I'm so so scared..."

Ron raised an eyebrow. "What are you scared of?"

Harry took a shaky breath. "T-that I might like you more than you like me!"

Ron held his breath. "What?" He liked Harry, sure... But he would feel bad if Hermione was all left out. And plus, he didn't want to find out what his family do if they found out he was gay. He knew the twins were bisexual, but...

"It's true, isn't it?" Harry said quickly, interrupting Ron's thoughts. "I was... Weak and let myself like you too much... I-I did this to myself.. Oh..." He took a deep breath and said, "I like you so much that I want to die! That's what it feels like! And.. A-and..."

"That's enough, mate." Ron said, quieting his friend. He hesitated for a moment thinking about how he should say this. "Do you remember about what Sirius and the rest of us said about how we always knew what was best for you? Do you still believe that?"

Harry nodded his head slowly.

"So even if you don't understand, we know what is best for you and what you need most right now." Ron sighed. "Harry... I..."

Ron hesitated for a moment. Should he really confess his feelings to him right now? What would Hermione say? What would his family say? What would Harry say?

Harry was waiting in silence. This is it. He was either gonna be rejected or accepted. Both didn't sound too good. Rejection was horrible, he was rejected to many times. Being accepted, however... Harry wouldn't be able to take it if he found out Ron cared a lot about him. No one was suppose to care about him.

Ron sighed. "Harry.. I'll always be your best friend." It was the best way to do it, in Ron's opinion. He couldn't think of how much it could hurt Hermione. "We know what's best for you, so please trust us."

It felt like Harry's heart just disappeared, gone from this world. Like someone stamped on it so hard and then threw it into a black hole never to be seen again. "Oh.. I-I see..." Harry forces a smile through a really pained expression. "Is this what it feels like to be stabbed in the chest?"

"Mate..." Ron started.

"No.. It's fine. That was the answer I needed to hear. I just wanted to come and see what you were going to say about it." Harry laughs, though it sounds really forced. "I knew you would say that! And... I know that you know what's best for me. Y-you really know me more than anyone, Ron. I... I believe you! I'll trust you with anything... A-anything at all..."

Harry's smile finally breaks, and his eyes start to water. He gives Ron a weak smile and runs off.

Ron's shocked that he didn't even know how to react. He knew that it would hurt Harry by saying that, but... That's not what he needs right now. What he needs most is someone who is comforting him and telling him that it will be all right. But... Comforting may not be the best option... Ron sighs walks to the dorm room after a moment. He'll do whatever it takes to put a smile on Harry's face everyday.

* * *

 **Please review... I'm scared.. It's scary when I'm alone..**


	2. Chapter 2

**Confession**

 **Disclaimer: If you wanna read something by J.K. Rowling, then stop reading. (Jk please keep reading pls)**

 **also forgot to mention this is after OOTP and Sirius is alive because I can't stand Sirius being dead**

* * *

Ron, Harry, and Hermione were soon going to leave Hogwarts, because on that faithful (sarcasm) Saturday night was the last day of school. Harry had gotten numerous apologies from Ron but he just shrugged it off.

Always laughing. Always smiling. On the outside, anyways. Everyday, it's the same old voices telling him the same words, and they were really doing an effect on him. They were going to Sirius' house, Number 12 Grimmauld Place, and he was glad that Sirius adopted him. He finally didn't have to live with his abusive relatives anymore! and Harry was sorta glad that his friends were coming along with him, at least for a few weeks, anyway. On the other hand, he mentally scolded himself for letting these dark thoughts get to him.

* * *

After a few days of his pup residing in his home, Padfoot noticed strange behavior from his godson. He noticed that Harry would play with his food for a while and he talked very little about his relatives, if he was asked. He could also sense a sort of magic lingering whenever he was near his godson, but he never knew what was the cause.

Sirius decided that it would be best to ask Harry's best friends, Ron and Hermione. It was only reasonable, right? Besides, they should know something strange about his behavior, because they're the best of friends.

"Ron, Hermione, can I talk to you?" Padfoot asked them in an inside voice once he had finally gotten his godson to sleep. He sent Harry to sleep a little earlier than normal. On the outside Harry feigned an annoyed feeling, but on the inside he was glad to get more sleep. Not that he could sleep well anyways.

"Sure, sir, what could we help you with?" Hermione asked politely, putting down her mug of hot chocolate. Ron rolled his eyes on his crush's kindness, but on the inside he still felt awful about what he said to Harry.

Sirius had a small grin in his face. "Hermione, just call me Sirius, please." He said, and said girl nodded sheepishly. "And as for what you could help me with, well.. Have you noticed anything strange about Harry recently?"

Ron nearly choked on his hot chocolate. He did, actually. Well, ever since the talk on Saturday night. He noticed he was quieter, and more... Distant, per se. He felt bad because he didn't mean to hurt his feelings. He tried to say it the nicest way possible, but somehow everything he said just didn't come out that way. Ron liked Hermione, sure, but... Harry was nice, and... Really caring and understanding.

"Actually, now that I think about it, you're right," Hermione stated. "I only ever noticed this on Sunday, the last day of school, but I don't really know the reason of it. Do you know, Ron?" She turned to Ron with a questioning look. Sirius looked at said boy with his eyebrows raised.

"Uh.. Well..." Ron mumbled. "Not really. I mean, no, I don't know the reason by it." He lied. Well, he was pretty sure he knew the reason of the behavior. He just felt too guilty to tell them.

Sirius sighed. "Hmm, alright. Well, go to bed, you two." He smiled at them kindly and Hermione nodded, finishing her hot cocoa and going up to her (spare) room. Ron did the same.

As Ron let his head hit the pillow, he scolded himself for not telling the truth. Maybe he could tell him.. Maybe.

He fell into a fitful sleep.

* * *

Harry was laying there in the darkness and loneliness in his room under the covers, trying to sleep. Occasionally his eyes scrunched up as he heard voices calling the same names, same phrases, same insults. He still remembered the faithful Saturday night, and he couldn't get his mind off it. He knew he shouldn't have said that. He risked it. Everything's done.

 _Everyone's life would be so much better if I just kill myself._

Harry was also scared of how Sirius would treat him. Ever since that fire call, he wasn't too high up in the I-have-such-high-self-esteem-and-self-confidence club. He was also scared of getting in trouble. He didn't want to tell Sirius about the cuts, about the blood quill, about the abuse. He hoped that his behavior didn't change anything, that they still liked him. He hadn't dared cut himself yet, because he didn't want to risk anyone finding out about his problem.

He heard someone knock on his door, and Harry mumbled, "Come in."

Sirius let himself in and closed the door quietly, before sitting down on a chair beside Harry's bed. The Boy who Lived sat up, his legs crisscross on the bed. Harry rubbed his eyes tiredly, yawning.

"Hey, what are you doing still up?" Sirius asked.

Harry rolled his eyes. "You woke me up. Besides, I'm a light sleeper." He said, half lying. Sirius chuckled. "So what'd you want?"

"I just came to check on how you were doing," Sirius said honestly. "You've been acting really weird lately. When something's wrong, you can't hide it from me. I know you."

His godson smiles sadly. "That's no good." Yet another person who cared about him. Why can't he just make everyone happy and not let anyone worry at all?

Padfoot was taken aback by this. What did he mean by that? "What?"

Harry sighed, no longer able to keep his feelings and thoughts bottled up. "Why can't it just be the way it's always been? This is all my fault..." He laughs awkwardly. "If I hadn't been so weak I wouldn't have shown any of that behavior. I wouldn't have gotten you worried for nothing. You probably won't be thinking of me right now..." Harry took a shaky breath. "But that's my punishment, right? I guess that's why the world decided to come into my room. The world just wants to torture me." Sirius godson laughs and the ex-convict is horrified.

What on earth was his godson saying? Punishments? Weak? What?

"Harry, what on earth are you talking about?" Sirius asked, worried. "Are you even listening to what you're saying right now? I know something happened, so please tell me! Until then, I won't be able to stop thinking about it!" That was an understatement;he was worried for his godson ever since he noticed his behavior.

Harry smiles, looking down and shaking his head. He wanted to laugh, really, at his godfather's antics. "You really put me into a trap, huh, Sirius?" He sighs. "All right, well, you really leave me no choice.." He took a deep breath. "The thing is, I've had really bad depression for a while now."

* * *

 **Review please, I'm scared.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Confession**

 **Disclaimer: Do not read if you are a sane, decent, person. Characters in this story is owned by some person. I didn't look them up.**

 **Thanks for the reviews.. :3 Review some more! It motivates me..**

* * *

"The thing is, I've had really bad depression for a while now."

For a few moments, Sirius was stunned. His mind couldn't produce any thoughts, beside the words "what?" over and over again. How? How could Harry Potter, the boy who lived, the richest boy in the entire wizarding world, the boy who was always perky and happy and carefree, be depressed?

"I… I… huh? No.. That's not possible!" Sirius exclaimed.

Harry shrugged. He honestly didn't care who he was talking to, and what he was talking about. At this point, his feelings just went numb, and he just blurted out every word that came to mind.

"It's… It's true." Harry mumbled. "Why do you think I wake up so late in the mornings? Because on some days, I can't even find a reason to get out of bed. Why eat? Why go to school? Why make friends? Why make others worry and care about me, and waste their sympathy on me, when they could be doing better things with their lives?" Harry sighed, while Sirius had restrain himself from shaking Harry and telling him to stop thinking this shit.

"That's what it feels like." Harry continued, his voice quiet. "It feels nice sometimes, but it also feels like my chest being hit by the cruciatus curse. That's why I just want to make everyone happy. Without anyone worrying about me. That's why I just came up with the conclusion that the world just wanted to torture me. I'm selfish. I'm just weak and selfish."

Sirius blinked, his mind trying to make sense of this situation. "Harry, why didn't you tell me any of this?" He said, his voice dangerously calm. It took all his willpower not to scream at the top of his lungs. "It feels like I've been betrayed as your godfather."

 _Smooth, real smooth… Harry thought, smiling inwardly._

"Because if I knew," Sirius continued, his eyes tearing up. "I would've done everything I could to make everyday just a little bit better for you! Even if there was so much that I could do! That's why I'm your godfather! All you had to do was tell me!" Sirius was almost screaming now, but he couldn't, since the others would be awake.

Harry sighed again, and shook his head. Why is it so hard? He's always wanted to talk to someone about it, but how come he can't explain it? "You don't understand, Sirius!" Harry stated calmly. "You don't get it! Why do you think I didn't tell you? Because if I did, then you would have wasted your time and effort trying to care for me instead of doing important things!"

Harry took a second to gather up all his thoughts, and Sirius could almost rip all of his bushy hair out. How could he not see the signs?! HOW?! How could he miss the signs?! This was his godson, for Merlin's sake! James and Lily would be furious with him.

"That's why I wanted so badly for you to hang out with Remus and everyone else… Helping people be happy together makes me feel good. It's the best thing for me." Harry said. "But then I realized something too… Seeing you make friends with everyone, and spending more time on the, than me… It felt like the killing curse going through my heart." Harry had to take a deep breath to stop himself from laughing. He was going insane, he knew it. Slowly, but surely, he was sure he was going insane. "So that's why. That's why I just decided that the world just wanted to torture me today. Every path leads to nothing but hurt. I've tried so many times, and nothing worked. Haha…" This time, Harry couldn't stop himself from laughing softly.

Sirius almost wanted to crucio himself because of how dumb he was not to notice earlier. He gulped, and then opened his mouth. His brain was trying to work out a calm response. "You're….. You're right that I don't understand your feelings at all, Harry…" He said slowly and carefully. "But… But I don't need to understand! Whatever it takes for me to help you stop hurting, that's what I'll do!"

For about the millionth time in his lifetime, Harry shook his head. "No, Padfoot. There's nothing. I finally showed you how much of a horrible person I am." Harry stopped talking for a second. It was either continue or just say, 'Haha! It was just a prank!' He realized quickly, though, that he was way too deep into this to claim that it was a prank. "I asked to live with you because I was being selfish. And I was punished by my heart hurting in a way I couldn't understand. And now you came here and I made you hurt, too.. I'm just useless and selfish.. That's all I am. And so that's why I'm going to accept these punishments! Because I deserve every last one of them."

Sirius blinked and then pulled Harry into a hug. A big, long, quiet hug. It took a few seconds to realize that Harry wasn't hugging back.

"S-Sirius?" Harry mumbled, confused.

"If you're selfish, then you have to let me be selfish. I'm never letting you go." Sirius said simply.

Harry's breath started getting shaky, and soon, he started crying. He finally wrapped his arms around Sirius tightly. The two remained at that position for quite some time.

Soon, Harry's arm starts to loosen.

"I'm confused…" He said quietly.

"Hmm?"

"I… I thought that if I confessed all these feelings to someone, I would finally be happy… I thought I wouldn't be sad anymore." Harry's eyes started tearing up again. "Why won't the rain clouds go away?"

"It'll take a while," Sirius told him soothingly, rubbing circles with his thumb on Harry's back. "But it's going to be okay."

"It hurts…" Harry said brokenly. "It hurts so much… Everything hurts… The only time I'm not feeling anything is when I'm feeling pain… I don't understand any of my feelings, and it scares me."

"It'll be okay…" Sirius repeated, and he couldn't tell if he was saying that more to himself or to Harry. He was still hugging Harry.

"Your hugs are so warm…" Harry said, laughing slightly and smiling. "And that's scary too."

Sirius frowned.

Soon, Harry let go of his godfather.

Reluctantly, Padfoot did the same.

"I don't have any plans tomorrow." He told his godson. "How about I spend the day all on you?"

Harry gaped. "Y-you would do that for me?"

Sirius smiled. "Of course, my treat. You can bring anyone in our plans with us if you want."

Harry thought about it for a moment, and then smiled. "Sure, I'd like that…"

He layed back down on his bed, sighing happily.

"Would you like me to sleep beside you?" Sirius offered.

"I think I'm good…" Harry said.

"You sure?"

"Yeah… I don't think that it's going to be very good for me, you know?"

"I don't really know, but I'm trying my hardest."

"Thanks." Harry smiled. "Go sleep, alright, Sirius? If I find out that you've been crying your eyes out because of me, I will personally curse you of having short, ugly hair for the rest of your life!"

Sirius gasped dramatically. "Not my precious hair!"

They shared a laugh, and then Harry closed his eyes. "G'night, Siri…"

Sirius walked up to him and kissed his forehead, then closing the door behind him. "G'night, pup."

Harry fell asleep with a small smile on his lips, which then was replaced a frown from his thoughts invading him.

Meanwhile, Sirius was trying to be comforted by Remus John Lupin.

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 **OoF… Well… That's it! Next chapter is coming soon. Sorry for the late update ;-; Sorry I left you guys hanging... I hope you'll forgive me! As always, flames and reviews are always appreciated! I'll also have you know this is based off of DDLC, sorta.**

 **Question- How old do you think I am?**


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